my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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