Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You can't just leave with hair like that
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
