I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
