There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm lost and stupid without you.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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