This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Sober January is a disaster.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
