if i can run in heels then i can drive
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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