did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Drunk is not a location!
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
