god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
