he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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