Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
