i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
