whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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