Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
