I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
