he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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