My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
