He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
me + whiskey = a bad person
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
