he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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