I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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