I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
