remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Randomize