Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
