omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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