i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
