Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
