Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Randomize
