apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
