tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
