Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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