I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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