She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
