I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I have fence marks all over my body
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
