totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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