At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
