sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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