Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Randomize