I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
