READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
they're like a gay fantastic four
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
