Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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