so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
They are going to name an STD after you.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
that is very illegal...i love you.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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