There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
