Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
