I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
