no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
