awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
