If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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