Dude my mom stole all your condoms
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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