i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
