I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
