My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
