Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
this boner is exhausting
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
