At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
