Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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