I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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