More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
