Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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