i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Randomize
