Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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