Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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