Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
